Today was odd.
(Today meaning August 5th- technically I’m writing this at
1am 3am on the 6th, but roll with me here).
Not the day itself– I spent most of today at a work retreat, preparing for my new internship to begin (I’ve mentioned it here a bit, I’ll go in-depth about it sooner or later). The day was fine. Busy, information-filled, slightly loud and people-filled and spirit-heavy, which was wonderful.
But something about me and this day just felt off. I don’t really know how to describe it.
It took me until now to realize it: the date.
I had messed up my daily calendar, thinking today was August 4th. When I flipped it to the 5th earlier this evening, something caught my attention. What does August 5th mean? What does this date have to do with anything for me?
After a few minutes of thinking and some social media investigating, I remembered.
August 5th, 2015. The day I started student teaching.
My whole body went cold. And then tears came.
At first it was tears of grief. Really, it was a year ago? This whole hellish chapter started this day last year. I cannot believe it’s been a full year since that day. This day (well really, the next 2 days) began a living nightmare that I still have a hard time grappling with.
The year that’s been since then has been pretty hellish thanks to student teaching. A lot of wondering and questioning and grieving what was and what was supposed to be, and fear of what was unknown and what was to come in consequence. A lot of wondering why–after teaching was the only thing I ever wanted to do, why was it suddenly not? Why? Why dangit, why?!?! It was all I ever wanted. Ever.
Never in a million years would I have ever thought this day last year I’d be where I am today.
This day last year I was so excited and optimistic and prepared for a life of teaching (at least I thought I was).
I had my whole freakin’ life planned out, y’all. It was mapped out. I had no Plan B for if teaching didn’t work out, because it wasn’t supposed to. It’s all I ever wanted!
And then I didn’t want it anymore. And my whole life fell out from under me.
After I thought about the sad part of this season for a bit (I’ve already done my grieving of this chapter, y’all; there was no need or desire for me to go backwards to it), I then realized something else:
God’s timing isn’t foolish. Nor is he.
God’s timing is literally perfect. I used to not get that, because I wanted things on my terms and done my way and that’s how my life got flipped turned upside down.
I wanted things on my timetable, in my control–but then God is all: look at me now! Do you see what I’m doing here!
Don’t you see? I hear him whisper.
Then I put two and two together.
August 5th, 2015 was the day I started student teaching.
August 5th, 2016 was the end of my first full week at my new, completely unplanned internship.
The internship that would have never happened if student teaching had worked out. The same internship where I’ll be using my degree and the things I was trained and taught to do as a teacher, but in a different setting with a different set of kids. The internship that fell into my lap and was offered to me a week before graduation– after months of agonizing over the “what’s next?” questions everyone was throwing at me.
For such a long time, I did not get why after wanting to be a teacher MY WHOLE LIFE was I supposed to not be one. I didn’t get it, and it grieved me so much. I just couldn’t wrap my mind around why my plan didn’t work out when it was the only thing I ever wanted.
Now I get it. Literally a year later. To the DAY.
God ain’t no fool, but he sure likes fooling me into learning crap the hard way.
His timing is seamless.
This week last year, I was beginning what I thought was the beginning of the end of my college/ figuring out my life’s work chapter.
This week this year opened a whole new chapter. A new chapter that wouldn’t have come to pass if student teaching had panned out as I’d planned, if teaching had been the right path.
God does things when we surrender our plans. It’s not instantaneous or laid out as I may want it to be, but it’s perfectly planned out. On his time.
For such a time as this, I was meant to be here. It was perfectly planned and orchestrated, down to the literal DATE, y’all.
God is funny like that.
So my tears of grief (and regret, let’s be real), soon turned into tears of awe. Tears of relief that he really does hold my world in his hands, that he really does plan it all for my good, even when I can’t see it.
He knows. He sees. And He times things greater than I ever could.
Hallelujah for that.
Bonus story: i turned my Bob Goff/Love Does calendar over to the 6th, and this is what I read:
A year later, I can finally look back and say that it’s never been more awesome for my plans to fail.