it’s five minute friday time, and I am tired. It’s been a week. Tomorrow’s Friday which means it’s my sabbath and I am going to ENJOY it cause I have a bajillion school related things to do this weekend. Womp womp.
The word this week:
GO
Last night I had a full-blown panic attack- the first major one I’ve had in over a month. I came home from my mission trip meeting around 11, and as soon as I walked into my dorm room, something shifted. And my brain went into overdrive.
I did the typical things I do mid-panic attack (walked 3 laps around a wet and cold campus primarily), but was still shaky going to bed. This morning I woke up sore and achy– the mind-body connection thing is strong, y’all.
But the morning offered me a hope that going to sleep shaky in the darkness couldn’t: that I was okay. And that it was a new day, free from whatever anxiety held over me the night before.
—
Ever since my anxiety hit, I’ve had a love-hate relationship with nighttime– I’m scared of the darkness, and yet it’s when I’m most awake.(I legit have a draft of a post on this very topic I just haven’t finished writing. Someday.) I want to sleep, but it’s when I come alive– and when my anxiety scares me the most. It’s a weird paradox.
And yet, morning is what I really love. The first few months of my mental hell crazy, I yearned powerfully for mornings– and moreso for me to wake up in the mornings. Because mornings were hope. Mornings meant the darkness hadn’t won.
Mornings meant I had another day to live.
The darkness lasts through the night, but the joy comes with the morning– and it doesn’t leave me in my darkness afraid.
STOP.
Technically I’m done with a few seconds to spare, but one quick addition: I’m in the middle of Annie F. Downs’ new book, Looking for Lovely (I’m on her launch team, praises), and lordy, it’s already broken me open in more ways than I can express. I can’t go into too much detail here about the book just yet (it releases in April then I can talk all i wanna about it!), but there’s a whole chapter called Sunrise so I thought it’d be appropriate to end with:
“Maybe I find so much breathtaking beauty in the sunrise not so much because of what it is starting but more because of what it signals has ended.”
The dark has ended. Light has come.
His mercies are new every morning, guys. And they chase the darkness away. Both in my head and my heart.
Why is it these things happen at night? I’m sorry. I’ve never experienced panic attacks but I’ve had friends that have. I know they are scary. I love this line from the book you quoted. “Maybe I find so much breathtaking beauty in the sunrise not so much because of what it is starting but more because of what it signals has ended.”
The dark has ended. Light has come.
I’m parked behind you at #13 tonight. I prayed that you’ll have peaceful sleep tonight.
Jordan, I’m so sorry you experience panic attacks. There is something about mornings that opens up such hope, isn’t there? I hope these coming nights will be filled with peace, rather than anxiety May the God of peace fill you with all joy and peace. I, too, am saying a prayer for you tonight. 🙂
Sorry you had a panic attack. But yes joy does indeed come with the morning. I preordered Annie’s book yesterday. Still bummed I’m not on her launch team but that’s ok. Can’t wait to read it. Mornings do indeed mean hope don’t they? I’m over in the #14 spot this week.
Girl, you totally just gave me my inspiration for my post! “Mornings meant I had another day to live.” <—- That right there is SO much how I feel when things are super rough and I just don't want to live and then somehow I manage to get through it. That's why I say that some days I don't do anything but focus on breathing in and out until I get to the end of the day. The end of the day means sleep and sleep means morning and the possibility that things will be lighter. Love you, friend! Stopping by from #15 this week!
New mercies every morning!!! That definitely seems to be a theme with this prompt, and it doesn’t get old. I get such joy every time I read of those mercies. A bright new day does bring new hope, doesn’t it? Love to you, friend.
Lynette
~#79 this wk