It’s been awhile– between back pain flare up and sickness over Christmas (AND new years), and my depression hitting me hard the last few weeks, writing has been on my backburner. Oops.

Anyway, no better way to kick off a new year of writing than a Five Minute Friday post, right?

This week’s word:

New Years can be motivating for some– a fresh start, a new beginning.

Except for me, it’s more of a reminder of what was, what wasn’t, and what should be, what could be.

A few days ago, a friend asked me what I was hoping for in 2018. I said I didn’t even know WHAT to hope for anymore.

I don’t want that to sound as drastic or dramatic as you may think, so let me elaborate.

I’m going into 2018 not excited or hopeful for what’s to come. Truthfully, after last year, I’m pretty ambivalent about what will be in the new year.

2017 was pretty awful, if  I’m really being honest about it. My physical and mental health took a backslide. I left my internship with no career aspects or even an inkling of what I wanted to do next. I moved, jobless, back in with my mom, whom I love dearly but with whom living with is an absolute nightmare sometimes. (Absence makes the heart grow fonder in our relationship). I left what small community I had in Nashville and have no community whatsoever in my hometown. I had to leave my awesome therapist and what little progress I was making behind– and now have no one to unpack about my stuff with, nor do I have anyone to share my new crazy stuff with.  I just got my meds adjusted a few weeks ago– something I should have done 6 months ago but was scared to admit I needed.

And there’s really nothing that’s making 2018 look much better right now. Nothing to look forward to, really.  I just can’t see things changing for the better. Usually, there’s a bright side or something to change things for the better… I haven’t found it yet.

I want to write. I want to get out of my mother’s house and LIVE. But I have no energy, no money, and no desire to get out of bed and turn off Netflix. I need something to motivate me. But I have no idea what.

Maybe what I need to hope for in 2018 is motivation.