Hi friends. Happy finals week from your stressed out college kids!
This is probably gonna be the last time you hear from me on here (unless something life-changing happens) til I’m back at home sweet home snuggling with my pups and watching Big Bang Theory with my Mama. So close, but so far away. =)
One final down, four to go! One every day next week, ending with Physics at 8am. Oh Lord help me.
This is going to be a ramble of my thoughts, just a warning. Don’t really know where I’m going with it, but I’ll try to go somewhere.
I’ve finally gotten around to getting more into Captivating.
After my last post
, I just felt the need to make the time to dig deeper into this. But it’s hard
. Really. Not as much making the time, but more just being willing to think about this part of my life I try to block out (if only I could block out mirrors from my life). Everytime I feel the need to talk about it, journal it, etc… I just put it in the back of my mind.
Which is why I love this book. Half the time I think they’re writing right to me (and some of the stories/testimonies echo my life so closely it scares me). It really hits home.
This chapter I’m reading right now is about healing the wound… ways to heal and let God fix whatever has made me feel this way about myself. Trying to heal the wounds left in my heart by others and by myself.
They had some practical ideas that I really should do. Some I’d never thought about, things that make sense but don’t at the same time.
Like asking Jesus about it.
It’s just one of those things that I’m like, “what does that even mean?” Seems so easy to ask, but it just doesn’t feel that simple.
I know the scripture ask and it will be given and so on… but ask a question about this? Really? Is that something worth asking? Is this something that God even cares about hearing?
Well, to someone struggling with feeling beautiful- with feeling worthy- I think yes, it’s something I need to ask about. Just as I struggle with stress and busyness, I ask God for strength; when I battle with sad thoughts/ am upset, I ask for peace; when I don’t understand, I ask for wisdom.
So when I struggle with my beauty/self-esteem- I guess I can ask. But ask for what? That is the question.
Now that I think about it though… it kinda scares me to ask such a thing. I mean, how on earth am I gonna get an answer to that? It’s not something tangible, it’s not something He can answer really with a solution that I can actually see. What on earth is the answer going to be when I ask the Lord about my beauty? I really don’t know. But I don’t know a lot of things before I ask them… so I guess it’s worth a shot, right?
This part of the chapter made me think a little:
“This is what I want you to do. I want you to ask Jesus to show you your beauty.”
“I can do that?” she said. “I mean, that’s okay? He would do that for me?”
Show you your beauty. Not gonna lie, I kinda think that’s an odd sentence… let alone request. Show you your beauty.
Reveal what this beauty thing is to me- so that maybe, just maybe, I’ll start to “get it.” I’ll start to see my beauty the way God sees my beauty. I can do that? How do I do that? Seems like a different and difficult thing to ask, honestly. For someone who’s struggled with feeling beautiful, to ask to be shown her beauty-I’m kinda curious as to what the answer would be.
He would do that for me? He can do such a thing… he can show me the beauty I have that I cannot seem to see. How? Why would he? For me? For someone who still doesn’t quite understand how a girl like her can be deemed worthy of “beautiful”. With everything else going on… he would do that?
I think that’s a tall order. Not for God, really… but for me. For me to be open and honest about how I feel about myself, to give those feelings up to God. For me to open my heart and let Him in a little (lot) more on this subject. It’s hard to talk about, to write about… let alone pray about.
He can show me my beauty. I still really don’t know what all that means… or what that entails. Or how I can really ask such a question. Or why it matters.
I guess that’s why I just need to stop trying to fix it for myself, and just ask.