Who am I?

Decided to take a break from the world that is junior year of college (where ALL the projects, tests, and papers happen at once) to elaborate on something I read earlier today.

I was on Pinterest (of course where every girl goes to procrastinate!) and it led me to a lovely picture from Etsy (another awesome procrastination tool that makes you wanna spend all your monies on cute things).

“You are enough-not because you did or said or thought or bought or became or created something special, but because you always were.
 The picture itself was great and reminded me of a post I wrote last year. However, what struck me was the quote underneath the picture. 

The quote was from Marianne Williamson (someone I’ve never heard of til now):

“We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.” 

Who am I to be all of these things?  Says the world.

Who am I not to be? Says God.

I am a child of God- what I am not to be? I am His. I was made to be His girl. I can be and do anything He calls me to. So why don’t I live that?

Why do I live life like I’m not the right person God made me to be? If He made me this way, it’s gotta be right. So why do I doubt that? Why am I not enough for myself, yet infinitely enough for the God that created me? (Why do I use so many dang rhetorical questions?!)

We’ve been talking this year about restoring the name of God in women’s chapel; in doing that, we’ve also discussed restoring our names to ourselves. We’ve talked a lot about our identities and how much God loves us and is proud of us just as we are, where we are. Simply because we exist, we are loved. We also have talked about the fact that God is such a detailed, creative creator in making us as he did. He uses His creative energy (as Caroline put it) to create us.  It’s crazy to me to think about how much thought, love, and care He put into creating us. All of my quirks, my ins and outs, what makes me smile, what makes me tick… His hand was in all of that. He stitched us together exactly how we’re supposed to be.

Despite all of that thought, love, and care He put into me, it’s still a struggle for me to see it. Instead of embracing my identity, why do I keep striving and searching for something else to be when God has made me to be what I am now? I am made in His image. Shouldn’t that be enough? It should be. But it never is. I’ve always struggled with trying to be more than I am. I am a  perfectionist by nature. I want to be better at this, I want to look like this, act like this- I have never been 100% comfortable in my own skin. (but really, who is?!) God is fully happy with His creation. Yet I want to be something more that that. Something different, just because some parts of who I am I am not OK with. I want to fully accept who I am is who God made me to be… and I can’t do that when trying to be something I’m not.

      I can be all that I want to be because of who I am and whose I am; but in that, I can’t be anything but who He made me to be, and that somedays is a struggle for someone who doesn’t always see what He made me to be as all that great. If only I could see myself the way God sees me. He sees all the negative things I see as something beautiful. I want to see that too, but most days I don’t. It’s a work in progress. I know He made me in His image, and just that makes me infinitely more than I am on my own. But it is still a struggle some days to fully embrace who I am when I just don’t see it.

Me belittling who I am does nothing for me. I know that. It’s been a lifelong struggle, but God has been teaching me, and I’m finally starting to “get” it.
I have to remind myself that I am His child, and by simply existing as that, I am loved, cherished, and immensely more than anything I could imagine for myself. I am meant to be the daughter He’s called me to be; everything else will fall into place, if I just accept that simple fact.

I have a quote on my wall that reads: She understood who she was and whose she was. I am working on believing both of those things more fully. 

So, who I am not to be? I am God’s, I am enough, and I am everything He wants me to be… even on the days I don’t believe it.

 I am enough in Him to be infinitely more than I could ever imagine without Him. And that is the truth I am striving to live in.

2 thoughts on “Who am I?

  1. Guess who creepily found your blog. ;)Your writing's beautiful, Jordan!Be yourself, hun. You're more than enough and a gorgeous human being. That's coming form someone who hasn't met you in person.One day, I pray you see yourself the way others see you, the way I see you, the way He sees you. xxhttp://christiestakeonlife.blogspot.com.au/

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