Happy Five Minute Friday! No party this week due to Thanksgiving, though *I* was around (no Thanksgiving celebrations for me– I stayed home!! *praise hands*).
We do have a word though, and of course I thought of what to write about as i was going to bed. *insert eye roll emoji here*
Anywho, the word is:
My life feels all too familiar right now.
I’m scared to go to sleep.
I have random aches and pains that make me think something’s wrong. Every ache and pain I have scares me into googling my symptoms, turning to WebMD and forcing the spiral of thoughts even further.
I feel shaky and cold one minute, hot flashes and heavy breathing the next.
The thoughts of dying. The “well if I wake up tomorrow, I’ll…”
The paranoia that causes me to fear sleep, thinking I won’t wake up the next day.
This season of life is all too familiar.
I’m transported back in time to 2014.
To my first panic attack. The first night of a new life I didn’t want, a life of anxiety and exhaustion.
To when I thought I was having a heart attack, but instead started a 4-month long season of nightly panic attacks, anxiety-induced insomnia, and dreadful fear of dying in my sleep.
It was the scariest time in my life.
And while I’m not 100% there again, the feelings of panic and dread are creeping in more than they have since my GAD diagnosis 3 years ago.
I’m transported back to 2015 when I first started medicine and therapy for my diagnosis and started feeling human again. The need to increase my meds again keeps coming up daily, especially with my serious bouts of depression the last 6 months. But that scares me too, for other reasons.
But I need help again. I know it.
I can’t shake this familiar feeling. And it scares me.
This song has become my anthem as a mentally ill Jesus-follower.
Edited to add: For those that don’t about my mental hell (health) journey, hop over to this post for details. I’ve written here and there about it, but this was from the beginning.